As I write the ocuntry is still reeling from the bizarre riots and looting that occurred in August this year. There are many people offering their opinion and and repeating the phrase "lack of discipline". That might be part of it, but cannot be the whole. Will the generation that has benefited from parenting courses like this one grow up to commit such hate filled acts against strangers for no better motive than fun, gained through theft and destruction?
A lot of criticism is placed on the emphasis of praise and ignoring negatives to create confidence - does this confidence become arrogance in adulthood? I think that is simplistic - but neither do I think that one parenting style is better than an another. Parents need to be present in their children's lives but as they grow older children should be respected as adults and gradually be given responsibilities and be taught to consider other people first. If you are alienated from your family that is one evil, if you are alienated from society and only find meaning in destruction that is quite another. Gangs exist surely because people find greater sense of belonging there than they do in the home and greater acceptance - even if that is based on sharing destruction. We don't need "more discipline" as such we need more families where someone is at home to teach and love and cherish their chldren be that offering only "good enough" and terribly flawed it has to be better than the absence most children seem to be expereiencing where both parents are out at work to sustain their lifestyle - be that ever so basic or ever so luxurious presence is what is missing in family life, it is far more absent than discipline. What I have gained from the course is mainly to learn how to be present and to create and sustain positive local friendships vber and above distant ones because these people arte present for my children too where through no fault worse than distance my family are not
Monday, 15 August 2011
Monday, 27 June 2011
The Blogger Unpacked
We have moved. We have unpacked - and then hastily repacked some of our boxes ready to move again. Next move to our very first home of our own. If we could just come to a decision about where . . . E now 2 has been much better with fewer tantrums, A becoming increasingly independent just had her 9th birthday. The party was great - her friends are good ones who really do like her. We must be doing something right. The parenting group "Quorum" which stayed the course has stayed in touch and we are meeting up fairly often at a toddler group. The children are lovely. Have made some good friends here. I am ending this blog at this point feeling that I learnt something on the way, gained some new friendships and discovered that how we feel our parenting is less relevant than whether our children are happy confident in themselves and when they lack confidence or feel unhappy they know that they can come to us and we will know what to say or do. When they come to us in that way and we have no clue, that's when a parenting course helps as much because of the peer support as because of the content. The rewards and praising were slow burn, but praise is really working with E now and he even self praises - eg he passed me some washing to hanging on the line and said "Well done, Good helping with the washing" He's happier and settled in this house at last but it has taken the full two months and the realisation that he can go by ride on car to the children's centre and the park to do it.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Graduation Day
The course ends and I join the party tomorrow - I'll join up again in mid May so not to be a total fraud. At the Children's Centre today creative kids was about fine motor skills, threading cheerios and pasta on to edible shoestrings. The brightest children ate the cheerios and shoes strings without wasting energy on trying to fit them together as a necklace. Edward persevered and did manage to thread the necklace - but he wanted and needed lots of help. I used good Webster Stratton praise and encouragement techniques which did pay off - not only that part of the session. His listening to me is improving - the second part of the session was to play "stop" "go" "come back" in the centre garden which all the children really enjoyed. Edward didn't stop on command when other children did but he noticed other children did and so the next time he did too and really enjoyed the game. When B who was leading called the children he went with the children but hung back from physical contact (other kids high fived or hugged her). When I called him to come to me he just didn't. But as the game was ending he was getting it so we walked home together playing the game and by the time we reached the door he really enjoyed it and had cracked it. I took the children out for cake after school and bought him a book. We celebrated how well he did with holding hands both then and going to get his sister after school and across the car park. "Didn't let go hands Mummy" he said to me proudly. Both of us learnt something today.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Messy Life: a tangent
Ok . . . well house is coming together. We've again passed references, we have again agreed terms, we are again expectant it will all work out. Did I mention this is the second time we have got to this point in 3 weeks - the first time the Crown Estate withdrew permission to let the property. On the plus side this house is very local so can still walk to school, library, brownies, shops, park and childrens centre. On the down side the house backs onto a road where people walk back from the pub/town so we don't leave behind nighttime disturbances on summer evenings which have been such a nuisance here. At least we will be glad to move on when we do.
Recently I took the children to a messy church event - it was fantastic, but missed the idea of all age worship altogether, parents were given consent forms at the door and advised what time to collect their children, so it was in effect a single session holiday club - like Xsite but lower key and for younger children. Edward particularly enjoyed the freedom to worship and play as he chose and enjoyed enacting the Noah's Ark story with an ark playset.
The vision for Messy Church was familiar - make it easy and comfortable for families to come to church whether or not they have a church background, there is a structure and a format but its to enable not to constrict. I like it as a once a month session, but I like liturgy and sacrament too. I also felt like I have been here before its a new name for something all the churches I love have been doing for years.
Every church where I have felt happy has made people regard each other as family, the feeling of warmth and hospitality is expressed in sharing of time and energies but also in coffee and cake and food. The Seabrooks who now are at Taverham embodied this in the family service and their open house approach to bible studies http://www.stedmundstaverham.co.uk/cafe.shtml
Philip and Elizabeth Kettle were Pastors to Hitcham Free Church when I was a child, from a holiday club in 1982 where I became a Christian I discovered what a dynamic thing church could be. They encouraged discipleship by example and by opening their home and hearts to children and families - summer camps and a youth group in a caravan all showed such love.
And I think of Bruce Nicole's Church in Camberley http://www.stmichaelscamberley.com/ where even now despite the vast changes that have happened in that area and the number of people who have arrived since we left we still feel a sense of home. Its no surprise to me that Messy Church occurs here or that the Church continues to grow because like all these churches it is grounded in love and led by people sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Finally I think of the place where my faith both in God and the possibility that other people could accept me took root, Hilfield Youth Camp, where I discovered that I was like Elijah in being oblivious to the surrounding of Angels in my life, and this was revealed to me through people who inspired me, who greeted me from day one not as a stranger but as a friend. This is what church should be. Not perfection because that is only to be found heaven, but messy, fun and welcoming with a reflective aspect that leads to real growth http://www.sandalmagna.com/hyc/Welcome.html
All these wonderful experiences have shaped me, and its a shaping that isn't just from parenting, and one that reminds me how important it is to give your children places to explore their fellowship with God and with others outside the home. My parents' best gift to me was to let me go to these events, camps and friday nights. Its a gift I want to give my children too - go to new places and find out who you are and who else there is like you, open your eyes to the fact that there are other children with values like yours and hopefully connect with God in a new way. Keep your brain switched on too, ask the questions you need to ask.
So where am I with parenting? Failing! Life is messy like that. You can't crack it in a week. Praise is being rejected again, bribery/ tangible reward is not wanted because all Edward wants is to run free and not be in the buggy or holding hands no matter about the road. I persisted with him today which meant I looked like a real mean mummy - poor baby screaming in buggy was ignored until it was safe to let him down, with periodic options to comply he would not. Got to the park and free range he wanted to walk the wrong way, it all took so long! His sister missed out on play time because of his behaviour.
Also some of the behaviour is resentment about moving house (he is definitely stressed by things being packed up) and an awareness he is too young to have really that his friend - his best friend in all the world apart from his sister - is moving away. He does have another friend he talks of often, another dear friend's son who has passed on clothing to him with stripes and vehicles on and who also has a deep appreciation of trains, but since he was barely speaking when they last met it might come as a surprise to this little boy that his clothing is appreciated or that Edward has decided trains are wonderful following sharing his track at Christmas. When Edward saw a tractor on his next size up nappies instead of familiar Bob the Builder he asked if this friend had given him the nappy (clearly he assumes good taste in vehicles comes only from this source!) I really hope they play nicely when they meet again in the Summer.
Foolishly I told Aslana today that the best behaved child could have the biggest room in the new house . . . did I just give away the Master Bedroom??
Recently I took the children to a messy church event - it was fantastic, but missed the idea of all age worship altogether, parents were given consent forms at the door and advised what time to collect their children, so it was in effect a single session holiday club - like Xsite but lower key and for younger children. Edward particularly enjoyed the freedom to worship and play as he chose and enjoyed enacting the Noah's Ark story with an ark playset.
The vision for Messy Church was familiar - make it easy and comfortable for families to come to church whether or not they have a church background, there is a structure and a format but its to enable not to constrict. I like it as a once a month session, but I like liturgy and sacrament too. I also felt like I have been here before its a new name for something all the churches I love have been doing for years.
Every church where I have felt happy has made people regard each other as family, the feeling of warmth and hospitality is expressed in sharing of time and energies but also in coffee and cake and food. The Seabrooks who now are at Taverham embodied this in the family service and their open house approach to bible studies http://www.stedmundstaverham.co.uk/cafe.shtml
Philip and Elizabeth Kettle were Pastors to Hitcham Free Church when I was a child, from a holiday club in 1982 where I became a Christian I discovered what a dynamic thing church could be. They encouraged discipleship by example and by opening their home and hearts to children and families - summer camps and a youth group in a caravan all showed such love.
And I think of Bruce Nicole's Church in Camberley http://www.stmichaelscamberley.com/ where even now despite the vast changes that have happened in that area and the number of people who have arrived since we left we still feel a sense of home. Its no surprise to me that Messy Church occurs here or that the Church continues to grow because like all these churches it is grounded in love and led by people sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Finally I think of the place where my faith both in God and the possibility that other people could accept me took root, Hilfield Youth Camp, where I discovered that I was like Elijah in being oblivious to the surrounding of Angels in my life, and this was revealed to me through people who inspired me, who greeted me from day one not as a stranger but as a friend. This is what church should be. Not perfection because that is only to be found heaven, but messy, fun and welcoming with a reflective aspect that leads to real growth http://www.sandalmagna.com/hyc/Welcome.html
All these wonderful experiences have shaped me, and its a shaping that isn't just from parenting, and one that reminds me how important it is to give your children places to explore their fellowship with God and with others outside the home. My parents' best gift to me was to let me go to these events, camps and friday nights. Its a gift I want to give my children too - go to new places and find out who you are and who else there is like you, open your eyes to the fact that there are other children with values like yours and hopefully connect with God in a new way. Keep your brain switched on too, ask the questions you need to ask.
So where am I with parenting? Failing! Life is messy like that. You can't crack it in a week. Praise is being rejected again, bribery/ tangible reward is not wanted because all Edward wants is to run free and not be in the buggy or holding hands no matter about the road. I persisted with him today which meant I looked like a real mean mummy - poor baby screaming in buggy was ignored until it was safe to let him down, with periodic options to comply he would not. Got to the park and free range he wanted to walk the wrong way, it all took so long! His sister missed out on play time because of his behaviour.
Also some of the behaviour is resentment about moving house (he is definitely stressed by things being packed up) and an awareness he is too young to have really that his friend - his best friend in all the world apart from his sister - is moving away. He does have another friend he talks of often, another dear friend's son who has passed on clothing to him with stripes and vehicles on and who also has a deep appreciation of trains, but since he was barely speaking when they last met it might come as a surprise to this little boy that his clothing is appreciated or that Edward has decided trains are wonderful following sharing his track at Christmas. When Edward saw a tractor on his next size up nappies instead of familiar Bob the Builder he asked if this friend had given him the nappy (clearly he assumes good taste in vehicles comes only from this source!) I really hope they play nicely when they meet again in the Summer.
Foolishly I told Aslana today that the best behaved child could have the biggest room in the new house . . . did I just give away the Master Bedroom??
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Things that did not come in the Post
1. Reader's Digests' Cheque for £125,000 - would be so handy about now. Must surely be delayed. I mean they keep promising it so it should arrive any day I am sure. May be the postman nabbed it??!
2. A list of houses to let. In the old days when we registered with agents they'd be in touch by phone or letter weekly at least. Now they just say - check the internet, can't you?
3. An apology from the landlord or any explanation as to why we are in this crisis
4. Chocolate or tea bags
5. The Birthday Card my sister did not post in January or February but promised she did intend to come March . . .
6. A note from The Lord to indicate exactly what the plan is. I am aware we have the Bible but its not so handy on the finer practical points of items such as "The Lord will Provide" in our experience it does tie in with Seek first the Kingdom (ie despite pressing needs arising in your life, consider needs of others ahead of your own) and also Trust - (eg about to give birth with nowhere to go? Don't worry - there is a stable just around the corner - expect provision around about 6 hours before labour . . .)
7. Selflessness and patience. Really low on these about now. Especially when DH is finding fault with remaining options that I think would be good enough. Little one is poorly - I don't want to have anything to do but comfort him and see him well but time taken for this seems stolen from peace of mind about the move.
8. An apology for the guilt that Dr Webster Stratton ladles on - if your child has any faults they are victims of your inabilities and incompetencies parents! If any qualities of which you are proud these are from correct implementation of the webster stratton method. There is good stuff in there, don't get me wrong but she's as warm as a cold fish and sees everything as a transaction - love and affection are deposits in a Child's piggy bank of self esteem, time outs are temporary withdrawals to gain control. I think there are truths in what she has to say but the style of saying it really needs some work. There is too much focus on achieving "correct behaviours" and too little on happiness and strength of relationship - building trust etc. A warmer read with similar basic concepts about investing positives to produce happiness and self esteem is here
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/the-five-love-languages-of-children/
2. A list of houses to let. In the old days when we registered with agents they'd be in touch by phone or letter weekly at least. Now they just say - check the internet, can't you?
3. An apology from the landlord or any explanation as to why we are in this crisis
4. Chocolate or tea bags
5. The Birthday Card my sister did not post in January or February but promised she did intend to come March . . .
6. A note from The Lord to indicate exactly what the plan is. I am aware we have the Bible but its not so handy on the finer practical points of items such as "The Lord will Provide" in our experience it does tie in with Seek first the Kingdom (ie despite pressing needs arising in your life, consider needs of others ahead of your own) and also Trust - (eg about to give birth with nowhere to go? Don't worry - there is a stable just around the corner - expect provision around about 6 hours before labour . . .)
7. Selflessness and patience. Really low on these about now. Especially when DH is finding fault with remaining options that I think would be good enough. Little one is poorly - I don't want to have anything to do but comfort him and see him well but time taken for this seems stolen from peace of mind about the move.
8. An apology for the guilt that Dr Webster Stratton ladles on - if your child has any faults they are victims of your inabilities and incompetencies parents! If any qualities of which you are proud these are from correct implementation of the webster stratton method. There is good stuff in there, don't get me wrong but she's as warm as a cold fish and sees everything as a transaction - love and affection are deposits in a Child's piggy bank of self esteem, time outs are temporary withdrawals to gain control. I think there are truths in what she has to say but the style of saying it really needs some work. There is too much focus on achieving "correct behaviours" and too little on happiness and strength of relationship - building trust etc. A warmer read with similar basic concepts about investing positives to produce happiness and self esteem is here
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/the-five-love-languages-of-children/
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Things in the post
1. A letter confirming references cleared.
2. Incredible Years Parenting Book by Dr /Ms?? Webster Stratton
3. A letter confirming Aslana has a place at the new school
4. A letter explaining that the Landlord has withdrawn the property to which we were planning to move.
5. Junk mail promising a very stripy green lawn
6. Junk mail extolling the new dance phenomenon Zumba as a way for singles to meet.
Am thinking stripy and green lawn over rated as a way to enrich life. Am relieved to finally understand what Zumba is - had been in my outer consciousness as something new.
When these new words arise its like an unfinished crossword in my brain turning over too much as to what significance it may have. No significance at all as it turns out except to make me feel grateful that I am not single and eager to be loved, but surrounded by a loving family and not required to learn dance moves to earn their devotion.
Almost everything is as irrelevant as the junk mail when compared to the recent catastrophes in the world. Perspective is restored as to how priveleged I am to have my family together under one roof even if I don't own that roof and arbitrarily we can be asked to move to another - we'll still be together and that is a huge blessing.
A few weeks from now I may need reminding of that point, but for now experiencing compassion for others over self pity. Am singing a lot of nonsense songs lately to the point that the children are now asking me to sing about anything that pops into their heads on demand. "Sing Tiger song, Mummy" for example. Maybe I do have to perform to impress them after all, but its easier than Zumba I should think!
Speaking of impressive performances now have no trouble with shoes or hand holding by the road - Edward I am so proud of you and thank you Dr Webster Stratton my interpretation of your suggestions and persistence are successful - though not perfectly implemented as per your method you did help me think about it.
2. Incredible Years Parenting Book by Dr /Ms?? Webster Stratton
3. A letter confirming Aslana has a place at the new school
4. A letter explaining that the Landlord has withdrawn the property to which we were planning to move.
5. Junk mail promising a very stripy green lawn
6. Junk mail extolling the new dance phenomenon Zumba as a way for singles to meet.
Am thinking stripy and green lawn over rated as a way to enrich life. Am relieved to finally understand what Zumba is - had been in my outer consciousness as something new.
When these new words arise its like an unfinished crossword in my brain turning over too much as to what significance it may have. No significance at all as it turns out except to make me feel grateful that I am not single and eager to be loved, but surrounded by a loving family and not required to learn dance moves to earn their devotion.
Almost everything is as irrelevant as the junk mail when compared to the recent catastrophes in the world. Perspective is restored as to how priveleged I am to have my family together under one roof even if I don't own that roof and arbitrarily we can be asked to move to another - we'll still be together and that is a huge blessing.
A few weeks from now I may need reminding of that point, but for now experiencing compassion for others over self pity. Am singing a lot of nonsense songs lately to the point that the children are now asking me to sing about anything that pops into their heads on demand. "Sing Tiger song, Mummy" for example. Maybe I do have to perform to impress them after all, but its easier than Zumba I should think!
Speaking of impressive performances now have no trouble with shoes or hand holding by the road - Edward I am so proud of you and thank you Dr Webster Stratton my interpretation of your suggestions and persistence are successful - though not perfectly implemented as per your method you did help me think about it.
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