The Karvol incident

Today while I was giving my eldest Calpol cos she has a fever, youngest tries out a Karvol capsule.  As I am giving daughter a hug and settling her back in bed I hear gagging/coughing from the other room. I run in and find Edward coughing and drooling and holding a slightly dented Karvol capsule in his hand.  I rush him to the sink to get him to spit and throw the capsule in the bin. I brush his teeth so he'll spit some more and then give him a drink then I read the empty packet (which I know only had one in there) and it says if swallowed seek medical attention immediately.  I call NHS Direct who respond very quickly and despite the fact that the lines are busy they call back within 5 minutes. So that's not great.  And the symptoms I have to look for are not good either, but I feel relaxed as much as you can in such a circumstance, because he doesn't have any symptoms once I have made him spit out  but then they say he has to be observed for 4 to 6 hours and then if nothing has occurred I can breathe again and not have to rush him to A&E. The nurse on the phone gave me a sensible lecture on keeping medicines safely which is fair enough.  But he is so different to his sister. She would have had no interest in looking into a cupboard or climbing up to try something like that. I'm not sure that unless its locked I can keep him out of everything.  She said that her sister had a merry dance (exact quote) with her daughter who was in and out of A&E including when she drank bleach as a small child - eeek   Loo Cleaner too??! Oh my word.  Some children require a whole lot more PPE than others.  So I have to blog that post parenting course the progress made depends on having a well stimulated child who does not have to compete for attention.  I'm not sure that there is a course that actually faces the reality that you don't just deal with one child at a time.  

Messy Life: a tangent

Ok . . . well house is coming together.  We've again passed references, we have again agreed terms, we are again expectant it will all work out.  Did I mention this is the second time we have got to this point in 3 weeks - the first time the Crown Estate withdrew permission to let the property.  On the plus side this house is very local so can still walk to school, library, brownies, shops, park and childrens centre.  On the down side the house backs onto a road where people walk back from the pub/town so we don't leave behind nighttime disturbances on summer evenings which have been such a nuisance here. At least we will be glad to move on when we do.

Recently I took the children to a messy church event - it was fantastic, but missed the idea of all age worship altogether, parents were given consent forms at the door and advised what time to collect their children, so it was in effect a single session holiday club - like Xsite but lower key and for younger children. Edward particularly enjoyed the freedom to worship and play as he chose and enjoyed enacting the Noah's Ark story with an ark playset.

The vision for Messy Church was familiar - make it easy and comfortable for families to come to church whether or not they have a church background, there is a structure and a format but its to enable not to constrict. I like it as a once a month session, but I like liturgy and sacrament too. I also felt like I have been here before its a new name for something all the churches I love have been doing for years.

Every church where I have felt happy has made people regard each other as family, the feeling of warmth and hospitality is expressed in sharing of time and energies but also in coffee and cake and food. The Seabrooks who now are at Taverham embodied this in the family service and their open house approach to bible studies http://www.stedmundstaverham.co.uk/cafe.shtml 

Philip and Elizabeth Kettle were Pastors to Hitcham Free Church when I was a child, from a holiday club in 1982 where I became a Christian I discovered what a dynamic thing church could be. They encouraged discipleship by example and by opening their home and hearts to children and families - summer camps and a youth group in a caravan all showed such love. 

And I think of Bruce Nicole's Church in Camberley http://www.stmichaelscamberley.com/ where even now despite the vast changes that have happened in that area and the number of people who have arrived since we left we still feel a sense of home.  Its no surprise to me that Messy Church occurs here or that the Church continues to grow because like all these churches it is grounded in love and led by people sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Finally I think of the place where my faith both in God and the possibility that other people could accept me took root, Hilfield Youth Camp, where I discovered that I was like Elijah in being oblivious to the surrounding of Angels in my life, and this was revealed to me through people who inspired me, who greeted me from day one not as a stranger but as a friend. This is what church should be.  Not perfection because that is only to be found  heaven, but messy, fun and welcoming with a reflective aspect that leads to real growth http://www.sandalmagna.com/hyc/Welcome.html

All these wonderful experiences have shaped me, and its a shaping that isn't just from parenting, and one that reminds me how important it is to give your children places to explore their fellowship with God and with others outside the home.  My parents' best gift to me was to let me go to these events, camps and friday nights. Its a gift I want to give my children too - go to new places and find out who you are and who else  there is like you,  open your eyes to the fact that there are other children with values like yours and hopefully connect with God in a new way. Keep your brain switched on too, ask the questions you need to ask.

So where am I with parenting?  Failing! Life is messy like that. You can't crack it in a week. Praise is being rejected again, bribery/ tangible reward is not wanted because all Edward wants is to run free and not be in the buggy or holding hands no matter about the road. I persisted with him today which meant I looked like a real mean mummy - poor baby screaming in buggy was ignored until it was safe to let him down, with periodic options to comply he would not. Got to the park and free range he wanted to walk the wrong way, it all took so long! His sister missed out on play time because of his behaviour.

Also some of the behaviour is resentment about moving house (he is definitely stressed by things being packed up) and an awareness he is too young to have really that his friend - his best friend in all the world apart from his sister - is moving away.  He does have another friend he talks of often, another dear friend's son who has passed on clothing to him with stripes and vehicles on and who also has a deep appreciation of trains, but since he was barely speaking when they last met it might come as a surprise to this little boy that his clothing is appreciated or that Edward has decided trains are wonderful following sharing his track at Christmas. When Edward saw a tractor on his next size up nappies instead of familiar Bob the Builder he asked if this friend had given him the nappy (clearly he assumes good taste in vehicles comes only from this source!) I really hope they play nicely when they meet again in the Summer.

Foolishly I told Aslana today that the best behaved child could have the biggest room in the new house . . . did I just give away the Master Bedroom??

Things that did not come in the Post

1. Reader's Digests' Cheque for £125,000 - would be so handy about now.  Must surely be delayed. I   mean they keep promising it so it should arrive any day I am sure. May be the postman nabbed it??!

2. A list of houses to let.  In the old days when we registered with agents they'd be in touch by phone or letter weekly at least.  Now they just say - check the internet, can't you?

3. An apology from the landlord or any explanation as to why we are in this crisis

4. Chocolate or tea bags

5. The Birthday Card my sister did not post in January or February but promised she did intend to come March . . .

6.  A note from The Lord to indicate exactly what the plan is.  I am aware we have the Bible but its not so handy on the finer practical points of items such as "The Lord will Provide" in our experience it does tie in with Seek first the Kingdom (ie despite pressing needs arising in your life, consider needs of others ahead of your own) and also Trust - (eg about to give birth with nowhere to go?  Don't worry - there is a stable just around the corner - expect provision around about 6 hours before labour . . .)

7. Selflessness and patience. Really low on these about now. Especially when DH is finding fault with remaining options that I think would be good enough. Little one is poorly - I don't want to have anything to do but comfort him and see him well but time taken for this seems stolen from peace of mind about the move.

8.  An apology for the guilt that Dr Webster Stratton ladles on - if your child has any faults they are victims of your inabilities and incompetencies parents! If any qualities of which you are proud these are from correct implementation of the webster stratton method. There is good stuff in there, don't get me wrong but she's as warm as a cold fish and sees everything as a transaction - love and affection are deposits in a Child's piggy bank of self esteem, time outs are temporary withdrawals to gain control.  I think there are truths in what she has to say but the style of saying it really needs some work.  There is too much focus on achieving "correct behaviours" and too little on happiness and strength of relationship - building trust etc.  A warmer read with similar basic concepts about investing positives to produce happiness and self esteem is here

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/the-five-love-languages-of-children/

The Invention of Lying

Edward was not happy about being left for our now usual 3 hours apart today.  I go and do a little bit of work and he has a lovely time with his grown up friend who happens to be a really gifted child minder and all round good person. He loves her not only for her superior train track and bob the builder toys but also for her lovely sense of fun. He often tells me she is funny. He has learnt new phrases from her too - okeydokey and messy were carefully shared with me today in perfect context.  He doesn't use many words but does try to make them apt ones.

So I went to work - I say work but  really for that you must read pleasure, because my boss is my friend Angie and in return for some data entry, some sharing of ideas and script development I receive a good number of cups of tea, a large breakfast, a few snacks and some freedom to be thinking about some less domestic issues than is there enough bread for sandwiches tomorrow and how long til the nappies run out and so on. And since it is so much fun I do really wonder if I should abandon my son but I know I would go slightly insane if I did not. He was very distressed when I left him this morning though and I did feel a heel.

Part of the reason I enjoy work is that what we do is meaningful. Here a Tangent.  http://www.storybags.co.uk/ is a new company, which is only just finding its feet  It began from a Christian ministry for missionaries and sunday school teachers but is taking new directions.  It is still holding to those roots, but we also see opportunities to develop it for new audiences so that there are bags for sharing experiences with under fives such as going to the zoo and down to the farm as well as Christmas, Easter and old favourite bible stories.

My experiences with Edward are leading me to look at what is offered to under fives in a way I had not previously. I think the idea of story telling to impart values is kind of frowned upon in some way by a lot of parents, we have got used to the idea that the concept wrong does not exist and the concept right is purely one's own subjective value judgement and should not be forced upon anyone else. We are also so scared of offending others that we tend to regard sharing our thoughts and ideas as forcing belief  on others.

The parenting course emphasises we should praise children for being compliant and letting others go first.  This is how my eldest has been raised to this point.  Its consistent with Christian values, but it is not consistent with life in the real world where if you are compliant and hang back you will just be pushed aside because the world, propelled forward by its ambitious parents  is a very very competitive place.

 Simultaneously though, the course teaches us to make our children believe they have the very best ideas, are never wrong and are incapable of making a mistake since we should not correct them. This seems to me to put self right at the centre - self esteem without humility does not reckon much to other people's needs or talents, I am not comfortable with this, but it is a tension that highlights the difficulty of raising not just well adjusted children but creating a Christian family where moving forward together is what is aimed for, that we should develop 1 Corinthians 13 style of love but maintain a sufficient grasp on what the world is truly like to be salt and light in it not a complete irrelevance.

I think it is ok to think the way I think and share faith with my children and let them know they can share that with me or go their own path, but I do think this way is the right one.  I want to signpost what I believe to be right and wrong to save them pain in the future, but I wouldn't see any point in forcing belief. I'd rather my children would trust me that fire is dangerous and not experiment to find that out, and spiritually speaking I feel the same way, I don't want them to take emotionally harmful routes through life any more than I would be happy that they suffer injury to their physical being. To be honest even the harm being done to my daughter's spelling and grammar because of the do not correct culture is distressing to me.  I assume by the time she looks for work the people hiring will also be illiterate so she won't miss out but its a shame really that she won't be able to treasure language or manipulate it with facility because the building blocks at the base of learning are arranged by her 8 year old  thought not the consensus of generations  Thank the Lord she reads widely and has the Bible in her cultural lexicon there is at least a chance for her being able to understand why justice is as it has been developed in this country, why our landscape is littered with churches even if many now redundant and what countless references in Shakespeare were really intended to say in his own generation.

 I want my children to grow in faith and be able to express themselves in the world, but I see that as a process of nurture not of my forcing belief which would be counterproductive - the parable of the sower is exactly what it is all about.  The Seed is the word of God, we sow it at every opportunity in the lives of our children in actions as well as words but it is the environment in to which it is sown that really makes the difference as to whether it takes root and flourishes or withers and dies with no discernable effect on the happiness or fruitfulness of that life.

Wow that was quite a tangent and may be it only made sense to me. So to The point.  Today my darling Edward told me a whopper for the first time.  He told me he fell on his bottom (he was sitting in bed and the last story had been read and prayers prayed  and hugs hugged) and he produced some crocodile tears and a wobbly bottom lip.  And I said Oh really?  And when did this happen? Sniffed dramatically he pointed at his stuffed toys and said "My Toys Did it" I laughed and told him not to be a pickle and go to sleep.  Which he did. But I was impressed.  I remember Aslana's earnest reception year teacher telling me with straight face that Aslana could not possibly have been lying to her to get out of PE because a child of 4 is not capable of doing so. So I was slightly proud, and slightly mortified in nearly equal measures.

Its definitely time to read him the one about the boy who cried wolf.  Ah, there is some consensus on what truth is after all - its the opposite of that porky pie you are telling me darling child of mine and if we disagree with all the world what it is still you and I need to share what truth is in order to have trust and once we have trust real love can grow. You test me with your fibs and when I hold you to truth you know love forgives all things and hopes all things but it still knows what the difference is between right and wrong.  Goodnight