Parents who bunk off the parenting course

I am not very proud of this but, pretty much like when I was in school, I didn't do the homework. At school I would tend to calculate which homework was significant and do that to make the grade but not more than that. Its a strategy which has served me very well in school and in life. I am excellent with deadlines. I am hopeless with a lack of pressure to achieve.

You can't really do that with parenting, whether or not you assimilate all the handouts the children are still giving you marks out of ten with their behaviour or appearance of contentment or otherwise. There are no deadlines, except that they do seem to be ahead of where you thought they were five minutes ago. Just held up every pair of my daughter's pjs to find one pair that would not be embarrassingly short at school residential trip next week.  Exactly when did she grow?? I so seldom need to get her new stuff why did she grow now??

 The idea was to use half term to bond with the children in designing a specific issue reward chart for each of them and decorate it lovingly and include at a centre a picture of the child's self selected treat.  We all talked about this - the treat would be a farm visit and Aslana had great ideas about a chart that looked like space five stars to get a planet, two planets for the sun level star prize with lift the flap final prize under the sun. Since then I have been telling her I would have put that on the chart and so at some arbitrary point I will have to deliver the reward.  The tangibility is missing and I think Webster Stratton will expel me for this travesty of her technique. I am pretty useless really.

However in my defence I have to say the whole week was ruined by house hunting and school researching and trying to get organised in clearing out our garage and packing and generally dealing with the shake of the carpet under our feet. Tried still to make half term special. Aslana really enjoyed her pony care day and we all still had some fun here and there but it wasn't really that great. Probably should have had our chart project on the go.

 I'll catch up on the reading instead because I also missed the session today and I think, realistically am not going to make it to graduation, so from here on you may feel rather disappointed. I will get the book so that the blog can legitimately continue but I really can't see the course doing much good while I resent it for stealing time from finding a home and preparing for the move.

Anyway. like I said will try and keep to the themes of the course.  Thanks for the posts by the way - really wonderful support. Have tried couple of suggestions.  Where I have said to Edward "I like it when you . . ." it hasn't helped.  Am now experimenting with another suggestion "Parents or grown ups like it when children hold hands by a road" also a bit fruitless. Today opted for shameless blackmail.  Edward and I went to the newsagents by Aslana's school. "If you hold my hand by the road every time we are out this week I will get you a new magazine on friday" Now I suspect you are shaking your head at my meanness. But my hand was gripped very tightly as we went round the corner . . . it didn't last but he does seem to have a better concept of time than I expect. Last week Edward asked when he would see his friend from the childminders.  I told him Next Week on Tuesday. Tuesday came and as I do every morning I told him what I planned to do (following up from the night before where we say thanks to God for the day just gone and talk about what will happen in the morning after sleep) I said you will see your friend (name) today at Becky's to which he responded see (name) next week! Tuesday!

None of that has anything to do with parenting course. That's just showing off cos I am so proud of him. Sorry about that, but its nice to be proud after all the battles of a few weeks ago. Feeling much happier today think we may have a solution to the housing problem. And here's some more random showing off, my eldest is writing hundreds of words a week in stories and letters to friends.  Just suddenly took off with it because of the 500 words competion on BBC Radio 2 which closed this week.  She finished her entry the night before the deadline. She gets that from her mother you know.

Coda

I can't close this blog without recommending that if you feel at the end of your tether in terms of parenting you do reach out.  Join a parenting course - Webster Stratton though looking very dated and American has some good stuff to offer, but the main thing any parenting course offers is the combined blessings of an hour without the children to stop and think and breathe and be a grown up with grown ups (role play not withstanding!) and you have the chance to make friends with others who are in the same position and who have also dared to reach out.  You won't be judged or rejected (assuming you are a normal parent who just needs some guidance and support) and mistakes are not as we would sometimes believe the end of the world for our family, just a sign we need help along the way.  I have made friends on this course that I hope will be lifelong friends and our children are turning out okand on their off days and ours we know there are at least 5 other people out there who will take our call and who will understand and none of them is any less of a friend for how we met. So whether you choose this course or another, if you are struggling do go to your children's centre, your health visitor, your GP or your church and ask what support they can offer for parents. Call parent line or seek support from Netmums but the best thing by far is to talk with parents in the same boat who did not stay there but sought help.

Graduation Day

The course ends and I join the party tomorrow - I'll join up again in mid May so not to be a total fraud.  At the Children's Centre today creative kids was about fine motor skills, threading cheerios and pasta on to edible shoestrings. The brightest children ate the cheerios and shoes strings without wasting energy on trying to fit them together as a necklace. Edward persevered and did manage to thread the necklace - but he wanted and needed lots of help. I used good Webster Stratton praise and encouragement techniques which did pay off - not only that part of the session. His listening to me is improving - the second part of the session was to play "stop" "go" "come back" in the centre garden which all the children really enjoyed. Edward didn't stop on command when other children did but he noticed other children did and so the next time he did too and really enjoyed the game. When B who was leading called the children he went with the children but hung back from physical contact (other kids high fived or hugged her).  When I called him to come to me he just didn't. But as the game was ending he was getting it so we walked home together playing the game and by the time we reached the door he really enjoyed it and had cracked it.  I took the children out for cake after school and bought him a book. We celebrated how well he did with holding hands both then and going to get his sister after school and across the car park.  "Didn't let go hands Mummy" he said to me proudly. Both of us learnt something today.

Things that did not come in the Post

1. Reader's Digests' Cheque for £125,000 - would be so handy about now.  Must surely be delayed. I   mean they keep promising it so it should arrive any day I am sure. May be the postman nabbed it??!

2. A list of houses to let.  In the old days when we registered with agents they'd be in touch by phone or letter weekly at least.  Now they just say - check the internet, can't you?

3. An apology from the landlord or any explanation as to why we are in this crisis

4. Chocolate or tea bags

5. The Birthday Card my sister did not post in January or February but promised she did intend to come March . . .

6.  A note from The Lord to indicate exactly what the plan is.  I am aware we have the Bible but its not so handy on the finer practical points of items such as "The Lord will Provide" in our experience it does tie in with Seek first the Kingdom (ie despite pressing needs arising in your life, consider needs of others ahead of your own) and also Trust - (eg about to give birth with nowhere to go?  Don't worry - there is a stable just around the corner - expect provision around about 6 hours before labour . . .)

7. Selflessness and patience. Really low on these about now. Especially when DH is finding fault with remaining options that I think would be good enough. Little one is poorly - I don't want to have anything to do but comfort him and see him well but time taken for this seems stolen from peace of mind about the move.

8.  An apology for the guilt that Dr Webster Stratton ladles on - if your child has any faults they are victims of your inabilities and incompetencies parents! If any qualities of which you are proud these are from correct implementation of the webster stratton method. There is good stuff in there, don't get me wrong but she's as warm as a cold fish and sees everything as a transaction - love and affection are deposits in a Child's piggy bank of self esteem, time outs are temporary withdrawals to gain control.  I think there are truths in what she has to say but the style of saying it really needs some work.  There is too much focus on achieving "correct behaviours" and too little on happiness and strength of relationship - building trust etc.  A warmer read with similar basic concepts about investing positives to produce happiness and self esteem is here

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/the-five-love-languages-of-children/

Have ordered The Incredible Years on Amazon.

They should arrive any day. Meanwhile we have to live with the entirely believeable year. Edward has held hands by the road - the whole weekend and today when I reminded him there will be no magazine on friday if he does not. This is a bit "stick" I suppose, with "carrot" suspended a way off in the future for a little boy of not yet two. (minus brownie points for doubting Webster Stratton spproach)

I am also using proper praise technique now, it seems to have become just about acceptable to say "well done". He still relinquishes his hold the minute I say well done, but grabs on again when I remind him about the promised magazine. He is also enjoying reflective praise when I tell someone else how good he has been at holding hands or we remember it at a later point. Webster Stratton is very clear in her belief that delayed praise is better than no praise, but is not effective, but it does seem that for this child it is helpful. Also he cottons on to conversations now which is proving very interesting. Indirect praise to a third party very worthwhile with Edward for that reason.

Our search for an interim home to get us out from the curse of the landlord impatient to get his house back is coming to fruition. We have nothing signed and sealed but it looks promising. The house we have in mind is only advertised for 6 months but may be available longer. This should not matter too much though as we hope to buy before the end of the year, its just that it is far too pressured to do that now. All of which is not what anyone would recommend for children - 3 homes in one year is a bit much really. But these are my children and I have faith that they will bounce ok as long as they have stable family and emotional support. So it was important to find a school, a brownie pack, pre-school and church with potential to offer that and be static points while we transition between homes.

I visited Aslana's proposed new school today, and needed to since the application has to be in 4 weeks prior to her starting and the school receptionist was really lovely, warm and friendly and very proud of their school. The children were very focused in the older years and curious in the younger ones, with a reception age child actually engaging Edward in play. Sooo sweet.

The pre school children were really well behaved but not in a cowed way or anything. Talking with the manager of the pre school was a real joy - it is so wonderful to meet people who have a real sense of vocation and a vision for developing the talents of others in whatever walk of life they may be. I really felt that Edward would be given opportunities to flourish.  As the manager discussed their way of encouraging the children and marking their personal milestones, she talked about how parents, children and staff had "Wow" certificates which are displayed on the wall that list achievements as varied as "Staying dry through the night" and "Eating Spanish Food on holiday".  Edward was impressed by this "Wow Wow Wow" he said and pointed at the certificates - he was promptly given one for me to fill in at home.  When we went outside everything was ready for the children to come out and play and Edward immediately relaxed - he headed straight for the cars and road mat and made himself completely at home.

I also believe that being closer to nature even if short term is good for everyone, so I am greatly looking forward both to our moving to the countryside and feeling grateful to parents for our bowood season ticket which will enable us to have gracious surroundings not too far from our doorstep. Last year the Rhododendrons were amazing . http://www.bowood-house.co.uk/rhododendrons.html but where we are moving too has lots of farmland and very close by a lovely place called Morgans Hill http://www.wiltshirewildlife.org/CMtkPvYdrk6FCu5KO6apUA%3D%3D/Reserve.aspx which is a rather special place for our family already as we love to wander and roam and you can do so freely here, just occasionally having to give way for horses or cows.

The school for Aslana is a bit more of a compromise for her year group is in with the year above, but the two do separate in the mornings for numeracy (where she needs some additional support) and literacy (where a bit of encouragement to conform to accepted spellings would not go amiss, but she is basically flying).  This means the larger group are together for Art, Geography, history, RE etc. Probably the right balance for her. There is a real sense of community at the school and with the pre-school.  The school has a nature area where they pond dip and there is a choir she can join. Happy daughter I expect. At the moment she is away with her class on  a local adventure.

I asked about the bullying policy - and the answer was a good one, and particularly the observation that if a school says no one there experiences bullying ever, that they must be lying. Bullying occasionally arises but its sorted out quickly and nobody pretends its not there or doesn't matter. There is also a worry box where you can post a note to the School's counsellor if you are upset or worried about anything. Something I think Aslana may like. She might also like having a designated quiet area where if you just want to play quietly, write your bestseller or read you can retreat. I think they might struggle to pull her out of it would be my only concern. 

The pre-school has as one of its staff a Rainbows leader, so finding out about the Brownie group that meets in the village should be fairly straight forward.  By the time I left the school and pre school it was nearly 11 - my visits to both had taken over an hour, but I felt very informed and reassured about moving my children there.  From there I went to Angie's house, Angie is kind of my boss - the creator of StoryBags see http://www.storybags.co.uk/ I have written some scripts for her (Psalm 23, Sower) and help out with some marketing stuff too. We went to Trowbridge so she could buy fabric for the bags (Easter has been getting a bit low, since that, unsurprisingly has had highest demand) and so I could deliver a donation of baby equipment to Vine for Pat. 

Vine for Pat is an amazing charity staffed by volunteers that is perpetually short on cash and abundantly blessed both with faith and God's provision. They support Pregnant and Abused Teenagers and help them get their lives on track, prevent homelessness and where pregnant provide counselling and support in preparing for parenthood. I was last there 3 years ago nearly when there was no heating (because there was no funding for heating) there was still a long way to go with dividing space in to rooms, plastering and wiring and just two or three rooms were actually recognisable as dining, kitchen or bedroom space.  They received lottery funding by winning the vote on The People's Millions and have been able to complete the refurbishment and open their doors.  Their first clients are being helped now. If you want to feel uplifted see http://www.vineforpat.org.uk/index.htm regarding the work they do.

God is Good! He gets a million thumbs up from me!!