Rewarding Progress

The homework is to make a reward chart.  We will do this because Aslana thinks its good to help me with my homework but actually the children really liked their charts downloaded from http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/single_behavior_charts_popular_characters.htm#Bob_The_Builder-14  Edward had Bob and Aslana my little pony.  Specific behaviours is the key to the tangible reward system and that the reward chosen is selected by the child. These were colour in charts with a favourite character featured. Has really helped Edward with positive behaviour eg please and thank you but less well with the negative - ie tantrum throwing or not kicking off shoes when we need to go out or holding hands by the road because when you praise him for it he resumes the undesired behaviour, so ignoring the negative works better than praising the positive.

But today and yesterday Edward has been using praise for others - Well done, mummy or Well done, Lani Boots or even for his monkey Well Done, Norman.  So somewhere in there he does hear it and take it on board its just harder to record the reflective child's approach to praise - he does not respond in the instant but some time later and the indication is not in pleasure expressed but in how he shares it with others as a good thing  He is so proud of himself for using praise!

Cbeebies had a recent bedtime story which is worth noting here called Hugless Douglas - I would recommend it for toddlers because both children who love hugs and give and receive  them enthusiastically
and children like Edward who seem a bit perplexed or even scared about sharing their personal space can find it helpful.  When the programme began Sanjeev Bhaskar was using toys to demonstrate hugs "I expect you like hugs too" he said - Edward was pushing himself back in the chair and saying "No Don't want to!" because he felt so unhappy with the theme.  He really isn't all that tactile and feels threatened when people get too close,  but the story was about a friendly looking bear so he didn't want to miss it either.  The bear learns about gentleness and the importance of hugging someone who he knows really well rather than people he doesn't and who do not wish to be hugged.  It helps give place to gentleness and to thinking of other people's feelings, but also demonstrates the hug to be something special to share and enjoy rather than fear and in the case of Edward it meant I received the best hug ever and a rare one just to say Lub You Mummy rather than night night or I'd rather stick with you than anyone else.

Anyway all that about progress and now I have to be honest and say I feel more at sea than ever because now we are facing a move unexpectedly since the landlord has given notice on the property.  Aslana has been briliant - staying positive and thinking hopefully about everything.  Her faith that God loves us and won't leave us through everything is something of an inspiration.  She has no doubt that he will provide what we need, it is only us adults who stress because we don't really know which way to go or what to do for the best. Nothing we can offer as a home to our children seems to provide security.  If we buy a house big enough for all of us we will be stretching to do so and if a small change in interest rates occurred we would find ourselves struggling and having to have both adults in full time work  We did not have children not to see them and besides in such a situation we would be put at greater risk of homelessness if a job fell through and we were not able to keep up with repayments.  Renting is still cheaper than a mortgage on a property that meets our needs, but is in our experience an increasingly short term measure, landlords talk of long term let but they mean a year or two not the length of primary school education.  Making children have to give up their home with all that entails is of no concern to them or the law.

I took it for granted in my childhood that we had a home we never had to leave - in fact as a very young child  I remember thinking it quite dull that we never moved unlike other children - it seemed like such an adventure.  Now I am a parent though I would rather the adventures my child experienced were imagined ones not the tension of parents wondering where to go when there is a shortage of choices and a deadline for moving. But then again I think a child like view of the world is going to be the only thing to save my sanity.  If I think too hard about interest rates or the whims of landlords I get very depressed, much better to take a walk outdoors everyday feed some ducks, splash in some puddles and be grateful to be alive.  I may not know where the roof over our heads will be but I am pretty sure there will be one.  I just pray we find it sooner rather than later.  Chris tells me we are going to find it tomorrow.  May be Aslana's faith is catching.

Interesting Times

Its difficult to know where to begin with not launching in to even more off topic issues than I usually do.  So lets start with friday's parenting session.  Edward was not happy about being left with his childminder.

There were no boy toys out since the girls arrived first and if there's not at least one vehicle in sight he will get a little distressed in any setting! I let her know this was the main problem and once cars were mentioned his mood improved.  He still didn't want me to go so I did not prolong the agony and just gave him a brusque (is that a word??) hug and said, "See you later, love you." By the time I picked him up he was pleased to see me and ready to go but not unhappy so that was good.

Now my brain freezes as I try to recall what we were talking about and I feel a little pain above my left ear  Is that where the bit of fluff I call my brain is residing? I remember finding it really helpful.

I quickly google webster stratton to check where we were upto on week 5 - are yes, continuing praise and moving to discussions of deferred rewards - where children's sticker charts are used to build up to a reward of their choosing. 

I had printed out charts for the children a week ago - Aslana's because I don't think she recognises that I value her good behaviour - so its helpful to her to see a taangible record so she knows I am proud of her.  With quite a degree of doubt I also printed off a chart for Edward - too young surely? But I used it for my tangible record.  The behaviour looked for with Edward was very specific I wanted to see some acknowledgement of other people's needs and wishes - beginning with saying please and thankyou and recording each instance, but also compliance to simple requests without a tantrum.

My childminder who has him once a week for 3 weeks has partnered me in this - eg keeping rain cover on when it is pelting down, holding hands to walk near roads, saying or signing please and thank you, putting toys away and not upending toyboxes (um with the child not with me!!) .

Unfortunately my husband his Dad is not around till 7.30 so it has been harder to feel supported in the home.
I don't think he will even be aware of what the course is covering except where I am doubtful about it,  or have found it hard to manage. eg the descriptive play was possible and valuable one to one with either of my children but impossible and sanity stealing with both together because they used it to vie for affection and would not cooperate with each other. In addition Edward is praise resistant but Aslana is praise seeking and thrives on it so it is hard for Chris to see that it might work longer term, especially since he does not value or trust praise himself. He like Edward is also not one for physical affection. Here our reading on love languages is helpful in terms of expressing encouragement non verbally.

Anyway to return to the session 5 focus - Reward charts.  OK not now,later everyone waking up!  If you want to find out about this session  while you wait for my personal take on it this link provides a good summary http://www.incredibleyears.com/ParentResources/rewards-give-children-boost.pdf